How to Support Someone Who’s Struggling with Their Mental Health
In last month’s My Mind To Yours, I described the benefits of therapy. I left off by noting that an alternative to therapy, if someone isn’t comfortable with it, is to reach out to a loved one.
But it can be difficult to know how to support someone who is struggling with their mental health. So if someone reaches out to you for help, what should you do?
1. Don’t judge
It’s simple, but it’s so important. So many people fear that they’ll be judged for their struggles with mental health. If they choose to reach out to you for support, they’re making a statement that they trust you and feel they can confide in you.
Even if you don’t fully understand what they’re going through, show them that you’re there for them. A few examples of what to say are below:
“Thank you for trusting me with this.”
“I’m here for you.”
“If you ever want to talk about it, let me know.”
A few examples of what not to say:
“I don’t get why you feel like that.”
“I haven’t had a similar experience, so I can’t relate.”
“The way you responded to that feeling was really weird.”
A small statement can say a lot for someone who’s struggling, so the more you can assure them that you’re there to support them, the better.
2. Talk with them in confidence
Before I became open about my mental health, I only spoke with select people in my life about my struggles. Of course, I never expected them to go off and talk to their friends or family about what I’d told them.
Even now, when I’m more open than ever, I know I have the choice to actively include others in my mental health journey. If I choose to open up to someone, I still expect that they won’t share that with others unless I’ve explicitly told them it’s okay to do so.
If someone you know has reached out to you for support, and you’re unsure whether they’re open about their mental health with people other than you, it’s a best practice to keep what they tell you to yourself. It’s similar to the privilege someone enjoys when they do see a psychologist, but you don’t need the stereotypical wall of diplomas and couch to keep a friend’s information confidential.
3. Keep the focus on them
If you have had a similar experience to the person, it can sometimes be helpful to genuinely say that you understand what they’re going through. Providing advice that directly applies to their situation can give them a sense of direction, and also show them that they’re not alone.
But remember that this isn’t about you. Talking too much about your own experience can make them feel like their struggles are overshadowed or not as important.
Often, the person who’s struggling isn’t looking for advice. Rather, they want someone to whom they can vent. If you’re not sure whether they want advice, ask. If they want advice, and you feel you have advice that applies to them, then it’s alright to offer it. Otherwise, your role is to listen.
4. Lift them up – or commiserate with them
Everyone’s different. Some people who are struggling respond better to positive reinforcement, like, “You’re going to get through this,” “You are so strong,” or “You’ve come such a long way since last year.”
Others need more time to let their emotions play out. Personally, when I have a bad day, I have a 24 hour rule. I give myself 24 hours to fully feel any emotions that I may have, and give myself the space to process those emotions.
It’s important to avoid “toxic positivity,” or overwhelming someone with positivity while ignoring the existence of negativity. Often, peppering someone with positivity when they’re struggling can make them feel worse.
Similar to asking if they want advice, in order to know what someone responds to best, ask. In addition to knowing better how to help them, asking what they need will show them how much you care.
5. Connect them with resources, if necessary
Sometimes, it can be overwhelming to feel like your friend’s therapist. If you have a lot on your plate, or if you’re struggling yourself, it may be difficult to also help a friend.
And some people are struggling with things that we’re just not fully qualified to help them with. If they reach out to you for help with major struggles, it can put you in a difficult position.
It’s important to find a balance between helping them and taking care of yourself. If you feel unable to help them as much as they may need, consider referring them to another resource – whether that’s a therapist, a support group, their parent(s) or another adult, or even one of the many anonymous mental health chat apps.
If this is the case, make sure to emphasize to the person that you care about them and want them to do what will best suit their needs. Maybe offer to help them get set up with another resource if you don’t feel you’re the best person to go to.
Don’t leave them high and dry – it can be hard, but being close with someone often means being vulnerable with each other. But reminding them that additional resources are available, and sometimes encouraging them to utilize those resources, can be instrumental and necessary for some.
The end goal of all of these strategies is to ensure that the person who’s opened up to you has an outlet to share their struggles and not feel alone. Showing them that you care by letting them be open and trust you, listening to them, and helping them build a support system can be pivotal for their mental health.
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