Self-Talk: Putting Yourself on the Path to Positivity
When I ran competitively at Northeastern University, my coach had this saying that has really stuck with me: “It’s all about the story we tell ourselves.” We had many sit-downs throughout my time at Northeastern in which I would be struggling and come to him for advice, and usually this saying came up. This simple sentence has helped me immensely, and I want to pass on the wisdom to you.
What is the “story we tell ourselves?”
It’s just another way to say “self-talk.” We all have a little voice in our head that helps us make decisions, tries to make sense of situations we’re in – and sometimes it is very unhelpful.
For example, if I do poorly on a test that I worked really hard to study for, that voice in my head can go one of two ways. It can say, “You tried your best, and that’s what matters. You’ll get better next time!” Or it can say, “Wow, you’re really dumb. Maybe you should just quit while you’re ahead to avoid further embarrassment.”
Most of the time, that little voice in our head says both things, or many things. The power we have is that we get to decide which of those things to validate. I can decide to believe that effort is more important than results, or I can choose to believe that I’m not smart enough. The thing we decide to give power to is the story we decide to tell ourselves.
Why does it matter?
As an athlete, I’ve heard a billion times that “the 1% that’s mental controls the 99% that’s physical.” That’s certainly true in sports, but it also holds true in the rest of my life. If I experience a couple setbacks, and I continue to be down on myself rather than lift myself up and believe in myself, then I’m reinforcing the feeling that I’m not good enough.
I’m sure you’ve all heard of a self-fulfilling prophecy: reinforcing what you believe will happen in order to make it happen. The more you listen to the voice in your head that is telling you negative things, the more your mentality will err to the negative. The voice trying to tell you positive things will get quieter and quieter until the negative voice is all you hear. You’ll begin to actually believe what that nagging, mean voice is telling you, and then you’ll reinforce it because you already don’t believe in yourself. It’s essentially setting the game up so you’ll lose.
How to take control of your self-talk
Luckily, it doesn’t have to stay that way. Even if the positive voice in your head has started to sound more distant, it’s possible to bring it back.
Part of that involves intention. Similar to my last column about journaling, it’s important to be intentional about your habits. This makes you more self-aware and gives you more agency over your mentality. So when those voices pop up in your head, you get to choose which one to believe.
Or, you can create that voice. It may sound weird, but you can actually be the voice in your own head. Rather than just listening to what pops up in your head, you can beat it to the punch with your own sayings. Some people do this in the form of a mantra.
For example, if I’ve experienced a setback, before the voices in my head have the chance to say their piece and sway me to the positive or negative, I say to myself, “I’m on the right path.” I intentionally remind myself that no matter what happens, I am on the road toward becoming the person I am meant to be. That specific phrase may be a little too spiritual for some people, but for me, when I say that to myself I know that I’m taking control over my thought process and not allowing negative feelings to overcome me.
Find your own thing. It may be a mantra; it may be reminding yourself of a good time if you’re in a rut and telling yourself it’s possible to get back to feeling that way again; or, like I’ve championed before, it may be giving yourself the space to feel negative thoughts and then reframing them.
Though it may sound counterintuitive, the point of positive self-talk isn’t to make the negative voice in your head fade out. It’s important to let yourself feel negative feelings, too. If I do poorly on a test, I allow myself to be upset about it because doing well in school matters to me. But I don’t have to let that setback determine how I’ll do on the next test. Rather than letting myself believe I’m not smart enough, I tell myself that I’ll be more prepared and do better next time.
Being patient
Like all good things, reframing the story you tell yourself takes time. Start small –create a mantra that inspires you, or if you do experience a setback, be intentional in consoling yourself and reminding yourself that you have the power to make things better.
Over time, the story you tell yourself won’t be a burden, or a doomed self-fulfilling prophecy – it’ll be another tool in your arsenal to make you mentally stronger and improve your well-being.
