To Be a Woman Feeling the Literal Weight of It All
Central New Yorkers just braved another long, confusing winter as well as a spring season that felt more like a practical joke. As we approach consistently warmer weather, there appears to be an elephant in the room – one we often pretend doesn’t exist, even though it’s plain to see: sitting there, staring, a massive gray blob sucking up all the air in the room. I am talking about our bodies, our weight and the arrival of bikini season. I wouldn’t call myself an expert on weight fluctuation. I don’t have the credentials of a nutritionist, and I’m certainly no gym rat or supplement junkie, but I do have plenty of anecdotal evidence to back up a few claims. And as a self-proclaimed expert on anxiety – especially perception anxiety – I’m here to share a few thoughts.
For the first 21 years of my life, I was never considered overweight—clinically or otherwise. If anything, my BMI typically fell into the underweight category (not a brag). Somewhere in the midst of my junior year as an undergrad the clutches of depression gripped onto me – hard. For two years straight my metabolism gradually slowed, I spent a majority of time in bed and it could be argued that Doordash became one of the most used apps on my phone. It was indeed a very dark time. And my body kept the score, about 50 pounds worth of points to be exact (I stole this phrasing from the literary work “The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma” by Bessel van der Kolk).
I knew things were off and had been for awhile. My favorite clothes weren’t fitting anymore and as someone who has always prided herself on fashion sense, I was devastated. The summer I moved out of my college house in New Paltz and back home to Syracuse a lot of things got put into perspective. I started seeing a really great therapist and psychiatrist, I went through a painful breakup with a long term boyfriend (it ended up being for the best) and went to my primary care for a routine physical. I left the doctor’s office with a new diagnosis – prediabetes. This was the catalyst toward a conscious personal effort at losing weight and it was harder than you might think. Maintaining a slim figure for most of your life, doesn’t mean it’s easy to just bounce back. For young women in their twenties (myself included), whose body composition is constantly fluctuating, it becomes even harder to understand what constitutes “normal” let alone how to return to it. It took two years to gain it and two years to shed it—symmetrical, in a way. Such is life.
All this to say – I understand and empathize with the struggle that is coming to terms with a body you don’t necessarily feel is “beach ready.” You’re contending with an online world that insists smaller is better, where medications like Ozempic are increasingly treated as an expected or even default solution to body dissatisfaction. Not to mention the rise of extreme fitness culture “gymmaxxing” and clothing retailers that continue to fall short when designing for bigger bodies. Target was, for all intents and purposes, the only place I could find somewhat cute, affordable clothes for someone navigating a slightly larger body. Full disclosure – I knew my weight loss journey was incoming plus I’m cheap, so I didn’t have the strength to shell out a ton of money for a new wardrobe.
I digress – no matter what body you are living in and what stage it is at, you deserve to live your life to its fullest. You deserve to soak in the sun and swim in the sea. You deserve that sweet ice cream treat with a friend. You deserve those cute jean shorts, even if it means you’re going to splurge a little. You deserve to exist in plain sight and not be constantly worried someone is giving you a judgemental stare. You deserve to date and to have nights out on the town – to kiss the boy! You deserve to exercise and have it not feel performative or forced. You deserve a support system that embraces you in all the seasons of your life. Lasso summer for all its worth – we only have it for so long.
I find it corny when wellness influencers say “every body is a beach body,” but I understand the sentiment behind it more than I used to. I mean, there has got to be a better way to phrase that. Regardless, try not to introspect too much this summer. And by that I mean, don’t talk yourself out of those poolside plans like I did. I spewed all those mantras prior, not because they were things I accomplished, but rather things I learned after a summer (or two) of being a shut in. This is the summer we get out there – I know I am!
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